Blocking the Blowback

It's been a long time, fans, but Sexy Chad was touring the ladies of Europe for 3 months, and his sampling has made him a more valuable source than ever before!

Dear Chad,
How can I force my husband to perform the oral sex with my lady parts?
Signed,
The Heart Detective

Dear Heart Detective,
I like your usage of the word force, as it implies you know the only men who do that do so under (kinky) duress. Most women complain that their men are impossible to get down there, but they miss the key fact that... It's their fault! I mean, the smell alone, but the taste; you complain about ours, but couldn't you eat a pineapple once in a while? Anyways, I know the reason I don't eat pineapple is that the citric acid when my cold sores are out, so I can sympathize with your plight, and I recommend some rope. Tied supine to the bed, and with his head immobilized, you can sit over him with relative ease. If your husband won't consent to the tying up (perhaps he has figured out your plan), a strong blow to the back of the skull should render him unconscious for the required period of time. I recommend golf clubs; the leverage is quite good.

Which is the worst thing to have your lovemaking compared to - a Michael Bay movie, Prog Rock, or a Nicholas Sparks novel?

I'm not sure I understand. Are you having me on? This is a serious advice column. Michael Bay and Prog Rock are amazing; particularly when combined, such as in my YouTube mashup videos (currently suspended, but I am taking them to court! Fair Use! I've read Lessig!). So, a Nicholas Sparks novel. Romance is an artificial construct, created by women to poison men and curb their natural needs. Nicholas Sparks is at best to be pitied, and worst to be reviled. He's not even like the noble romance authors, like Shakespeare, who wrote romance to keep the chicks digging him, undermining romance the whole while, which is genius and respectable.

Dear Chad,
My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months. Our sex life is ok but she refuses to get on top when we do it. She says she feels really uncomfortable being so exposed. How do I get her comfortable so she can enjoy a good reverse cowgirl?
Abe

Dear Abe,
What is wrong with your girlfriend? Perhaps you should upgrade to a model that wants to, you know, enjoy sex. I mean, really. That's nonsense! If you want to stick with your current chick, explain to her that woman-on-top is almost universally reported to increase satisfaction not to mention orgasm success rate. If she is not convinced at the prospect of more orgasms, it might be a lost cause.

Dear Mr. Sexington,
Say for instance you are with a girl and are having anal sex and you finish inside her ass, and when you pull out she involuntarily farts spraying you with the cum that was just in her ass. How do you avoid this?
Sincerely,
The Blowback Kid

Wait, why do you want to avoid this?

Okay, well I have thought about this long and hard (oh. yes.) and I guess if you're not into that, you should have her eat some pineapple. Yes, I realize you're not tasting it, but the acidity will suppress the gassy-ness and reduce the likelihood she'll fart after sex. Of course, this isn't foolproof, so I recommend:



Hope that keeps you dry (and I hope the hazmat is a new fetish!) and, as always, stay sexy!

--Chad Sexington
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Dodging the Frosty Susan

Today's questions both come to us from my friends at Halforums.

How do you avoid the dreaded sexual mishap known as a Frosty Susan?

For the uninitiated, the Frosty Susan is a 'misfire' incident wherein the overly curious, watching their member, get an eyeful of cum. It's a situation that is hardly unique, especially in the inexperienced, and so in the interests of science, I spent 12 hours popping Viagra and finding various means of avoiding the mishap. Later, I spent some time in the hospital for priapism.

My first plan was a method that could best be called The Neo, (named for a character in a cult classic, The Matrix, perhaps you have seen it?) but it was a bitter failure. Every attempt to lean away from the was met with failure and a salty face. My second method was the more successful guard-hand method of placing my other hand over the tip as I hit climax. This works alright but unfortunately you have to take your hand off the mouse.

I did, prior to my visit to the local emergency ward, solve this problem:

I was talking with some friends and we realized that there are not very many slang terms for vaginal lubrication. We went with lady dew and hoo hoo honey but that was all we got. Why is that and what ARE some good slang terms for it?

makare


Great question! It certainly gave me something to dwell on as I lied in recovery, when I wasn't wooing the nurses.

Let's tackle the why issue first. Some people have this habit of claiming females are more mature than their male counterparts, and don't need to use silly slang terms. Sure enough, men have developed splooge, jizz, baby batter, man chowder, jism, protein shake and so on, while there is a conspicuous lack of terms for female lubrication. I contest the argument, however, that it stems from maturity, and would refer you to my self-published autobiography, Sexiness & Studlyness: Chad Sexington's Secrets to Staying Sexy and Successful (currently out of print) where I discuss at length womankind's inability to be as creative as men. It's pretty clear to anyone who's taken even a cursory psychology course that women don't understand their own sexuality and are unable to investigate it, and this causes a dearth of slang terms within the culture. But! I am more than happy to lend a hand (or more, ladies!) in that department, so without further ado:

Sex nectar
Lady seepage
Joy juice
Pussy dew
Vajayjay sweetness
No, My Better Aunt Flo
Finger-Licking Goodness

Hope that helps spice up your sex talk, as always, stay sexy!

--Chad Sexington
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Welcome to Sexington Secrets!

Hi, everyone!

I imagine many of you are readers from my famous Sexy Sex Secrets with Chad Sexington column, originally published in the Hibberts Gore Tribune, and later picked up by three (3!!) newspapers of similar distribution! Perhaps you were wondering whatever happened to my column and even to myself. Well I assure you, after the heated and heavily-reported fight with the censor-happy, prudish, sex-o-phobic tyrants at the Tribune, I did not go quietly. For the last five years, my nephew has been teaching me about the Internet and I have noticed there is surprising lack of places to go for information on sex. So fear not, I have been inspired to restart my advice column, here, where I cannot be stopped!

Here I will be writing about the very intimate details of that most important of acts, sex. Like my column back in the days of the Tribune, I will be taking letters looking for advice, and answer a few of the best ones each day! On Fridays, the article will be of my own initiative, on something new to try in the bedroom!

Thanks for googling me on the internet, and as always, stay sexy.

--Chad Sexington
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