We're Back!

Ladies and Gents, I am pleased to report my stint in prison has reformed me. I now understand why 24 pigeons cannot be deducted as business expense in my line of work, unless I want to be charged with bestiality.

That said, I have a few questions since I've fallen so far behind.

Dear Chad:
How do I ask my girlfriend to use her pinky more? 

-R Poe

Thanks Poe. I often call the pinky the 'neglected digit' due to its being frequently ignored. Index fingers get sucked on, middle and ring fingers, well, finger, and I don't think I need to mention the glans-stroking that a thumb can in the right hands. eh? ehhh?

But the pinky is often left without a job. People don't know what to do with it, and it's left sticking out during a handjob like a Englishman's finger at teatime.

Since women are more nurturing, I recommend nicknaming her pinky. Once she associates it with a personality, she'll feel guiltier in ignoring him. She can give him a job probing the testicles on the downstroke, for example.

Dear Chad

Once you go twat, it's your only thought?

-Da Cheese

Lies. Lesbians are a feminist myth. Women all love the dick. Oh wait, is this about men? Then, yes. Yes it is my only thought.

Dear Chad:

How does one convince their partner to try something..... new and unusual? 

-O_C

Glad to have a question from a fellow fan of the tragically cancelled OC. Remember the season two finale? Chilling. Mmmwhatcha saaaaay... Sorry. It was just a masterpiece!

Anyway, if you're a loyal fan, you'll have read my book, It's Not Rape When It's a Fantasy: Putting the Prize in Surprise Sex, where in Chapter 10 I explain how many women are easily talked into simple restraints (especially silk scarves). From here the convincing is a pretty easy slope. While she may be unwilling at first, she wouldn't have let you tie her up if she didn't really want you to indulge your whims. So bring out the cantaloupe and give 'er!

Dear Chad:
My friend recently tried bringing food into the bedroom. Sadly, fondue resulted in many burns and an only a so-so time. What brings a tasty twist to the bedroom?
Sincerely,
Hungry in Hoboken

Hi Hungry, I'm sorry to hear about the burns (although my mother always had a burn fetish, so maybe you can turn it into a new kink?) I personally recommend seafood, since the smell is already there anyway.

Dear Chad:
Would you suggest furry cuffs or bondage tape, and why?
Thanking you in advance,
Whipped in Wisconsin

Well you sure are whipped if you're using furry cuffs! Don't let her fool you, they're emasculating. Get some real handcuffs: if you're going to play rough, I'm a big proponent of doing it in the right way. That noted, I love the tape. It allows for a lot more creativity, and you can roleplay a mummy, "unraveling" choice parts depending on the scene. If your lady is the one being wrapped, it also serves to clean up those pesky hairs she didn't properly groom. Remember to pull it off quickly!

Dear Chad:
I've just discovered I'm allergic to feathers! What are some good items for tickling that won't cause itchy eyes and a sneezing fit?

Your biggest fan,
Sniffling in Seattle

Jesus, do you not have fingers? Take a Claritin if you like tickling with toys so much.

Dear Chad:

I was talking to this guy on OKC and things were going pretty well. He told me I had nice arms and that he had an arm fetish. I've never heard of that! But we met and went out on a date. So, as things progressed, we ended up at his place when he told me he had another fetish. He said he wanted me to vomit on him!!! I said no way!! He said it tasted amazing. I was like what the hell I'm out of here and as I was leaving he called me a bitch and said it was no wonder I'm still single. Didn't I do the right thing?

B.

I...

I am so hard right now. Can you send me a photo of your arms?

Stay sexy guys, I have to go take care of a situation here.