Dear Chad,
How can I force my husband to perform the oral sex with my lady parts?
Signed,
The Heart Detective
Dear Heart Detective,
I like your usage of the word force, as it implies you know the only men who do that do so under (kinky) duress. Most women complain that their men are impossible to get down there, but they miss the key fact that... It's their fault! I mean, the smell alone, but the taste; you complain about ours, but couldn't you eat a pineapple once in a while? Anyways, I know the reason I don't eat pineapple is that the citric acid when my cold sores are out, so I can sympathize with your plight, and I recommend some rope. Tied supine to the bed, and with his head immobilized, you can sit over him with relative ease. If your husband won't consent to the tying up (perhaps he has figured out your plan), a strong blow to the back of the skull should render him unconscious for the required period of time. I recommend golf clubs; the leverage is quite good.
Which is the worst thing to have your lovemaking compared to - a Michael Bay movie, Prog Rock, or a Nicholas Sparks novel?
I'm not sure I understand. Are you having me on? This is a serious advice column. Michael Bay and Prog Rock are amazing; particularly when combined, such as in my YouTube mashup videos (currently suspended, but I am taking them to court! Fair Use! I've read Lessig!). So, a Nicholas Sparks novel. Romance is an artificial construct, created by women to poison men and curb their natural needs. Nicholas Sparks is at best to be pitied, and worst to be reviled. He's not even like the noble romance authors, like Shakespeare, who wrote romance to keep the chicks digging him, undermining romance the whole while, which is genius and respectable.
Dear Chad,
My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months. Our sex life is ok but she refuses to get on top when we do it. She says she feels really uncomfortable being so exposed. How do I get her comfortable so she can enjoy a good reverse cowgirl?
Abe
Dear Abe,
What is wrong with your girlfriend? Perhaps you should upgrade to a model that wants to, you know, enjoy sex. I mean, really. That's nonsense! If you want to stick with your current chick, explain to her that woman-on-top is almost universally reported to increase satisfaction not to mention orgasm success rate. If she is not convinced at the prospect of more orgasms, it might be a lost cause.
Dear Mr. Sexington,
Say for instance you are with a girl and are having anal sex and you finish inside her ass, and when you pull out she involuntarily farts spraying you with the cum that was just in her ass. How do you avoid this?
Sincerely,
The Blowback Kid
Wait, why do you want to avoid this?
Okay, well I have thought about this long and hard (oh. yes.) and I guess if you're not into that, you should have her eat some pineapple. Yes, I realize you're not tasting it, but the acidity will suppress the gassy-ness and reduce the likelihood she'll fart after sex. Of course, this isn't foolproof, so I recommend:
Hope that keeps you dry (and I hope the hazmat is a new fetish!) and, as always, stay sexy!
--Chad Sexington
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