We're Back!

Ladies and Gents, I am pleased to report my stint in prison has reformed me. I now understand why 24 pigeons cannot be deducted as business expense in my line of work, unless I want to be charged with bestiality.

That said, I have a few questions since I've fallen so far behind.

Dear Chad:
How do I ask my girlfriend to use her pinky more? 

-R Poe

Thanks Poe. I often call the pinky the 'neglected digit' due to its being frequently ignored. Index fingers get sucked on, middle and ring fingers, well, finger, and I don't think I need to mention the glans-stroking that a thumb can in the right hands. eh? ehhh?

But the pinky is often left without a job. People don't know what to do with it, and it's left sticking out during a handjob like a Englishman's finger at teatime.

Since women are more nurturing, I recommend nicknaming her pinky. Once she associates it with a personality, she'll feel guiltier in ignoring him. She can give him a job probing the testicles on the downstroke, for example.

Dear Chad

Once you go twat, it's your only thought?

-Da Cheese

Lies. Lesbians are a feminist myth. Women all love the dick. Oh wait, is this about men? Then, yes. Yes it is my only thought.

Dear Chad:

How does one convince their partner to try something..... new and unusual? 

-O_C

Glad to have a question from a fellow fan of the tragically cancelled OC. Remember the season two finale? Chilling. Mmmwhatcha saaaaay... Sorry. It was just a masterpiece!

Anyway, if you're a loyal fan, you'll have read my book, It's Not Rape When It's a Fantasy: Putting the Prize in Surprise Sex, where in Chapter 10 I explain how many women are easily talked into simple restraints (especially silk scarves). From here the convincing is a pretty easy slope. While she may be unwilling at first, she wouldn't have let you tie her up if she didn't really want you to indulge your whims. So bring out the cantaloupe and give 'er!

Dear Chad:
My friend recently tried bringing food into the bedroom. Sadly, fondue resulted in many burns and an only a so-so time. What brings a tasty twist to the bedroom?
Sincerely,
Hungry in Hoboken

Hi Hungry, I'm sorry to hear about the burns (although my mother always had a burn fetish, so maybe you can turn it into a new kink?) I personally recommend seafood, since the smell is already there anyway.

Dear Chad:
Would you suggest furry cuffs or bondage tape, and why?
Thanking you in advance,
Whipped in Wisconsin

Well you sure are whipped if you're using furry cuffs! Don't let her fool you, they're emasculating. Get some real handcuffs: if you're going to play rough, I'm a big proponent of doing it in the right way. That noted, I love the tape. It allows for a lot more creativity, and you can roleplay a mummy, "unraveling" choice parts depending on the scene. If your lady is the one being wrapped, it also serves to clean up those pesky hairs she didn't properly groom. Remember to pull it off quickly!

Dear Chad:
I've just discovered I'm allergic to feathers! What are some good items for tickling that won't cause itchy eyes and a sneezing fit?

Your biggest fan,
Sniffling in Seattle

Jesus, do you not have fingers? Take a Claritin if you like tickling with toys so much.

Dear Chad:

I was talking to this guy on OKC and things were going pretty well. He told me I had nice arms and that he had an arm fetish. I've never heard of that! But we met and went out on a date. So, as things progressed, we ended up at his place when he told me he had another fetish. He said he wanted me to vomit on him!!! I said no way!! He said it tasted amazing. I was like what the hell I'm out of here and as I was leaving he called me a bitch and said it was no wonder I'm still single. Didn't I do the right thing?

B.

I...

I am so hard right now. Can you send me a photo of your arms?

Stay sexy guys, I have to go take care of a situation here.

Joys of the Orient

Han, from an email accidentally placed in my spam folder, asks:

 c8f7frs2psa2s0jk5y5tv4b7j4n4 　 不 論 條 件 如 何 免 保 人 免 擔 保 品 資金問題找我們就對了 沒有辦不下來的貸款! 安全保密 絕不事先收費 保證過件 否則免費! 　 s1tjhax31j3d2bprb6n171s4mtjtcf7 

Great question, Han! You're quite correct, Asians are notorious for their kinkiness. When I visited China, for example, I was strapped down and tased before I even left the airport. Keep on that tradition and good luck with your new life in America!

Dreamy from Lithuania writes:

What kind of music are bangin' to, Chad?

Well, it really depends. My love for prog rock was previously discussed on this blog, but that's hardly the exclusive choice. A famous cause of orgasm is Billie Holiday's rendition of Gloomy Sunday. The erotic themes throughout the song are something any virile man should experience at least once while romancing (read: banging) a lady (or three). Of course, the ultimate in kinky, sound-sexual pleasure is found here.

Well, that's all the mail this week folks.

Stay sexy,

Chad

Blocking the Blowback

It's been a long time, fans, but Sexy Chad was touring the ladies of Europe for 3 months, and his sampling has made him a more valuable source than ever before!

Dear Chad,
How can I force my husband to perform the oral sex with my lady parts?
Signed,
The Heart Detective

Dear Heart Detective,
I like your usage of the word force, as it implies you know the only men who do that do so under (kinky) duress. Most women complain that their men are impossible to get down there, but they miss the key fact that... It's their fault! I mean, the smell alone, but the taste; you complain about ours, but couldn't you eat a pineapple once in a while? Anyways, I know the reason I don't eat pineapple is that the citric acid when my cold sores are out, so I can sympathize with your plight, and I recommend some rope. Tied supine to the bed, and with his head immobilized, you can sit over him with relative ease. If your husband won't consent to the tying up (perhaps he has figured out your plan), a strong blow to the back of the skull should render him unconscious for the required period of time. I recommend golf clubs; the leverage is quite good.

Which is the worst thing to have your lovemaking compared to - a Michael Bay movie, Prog Rock, or a Nicholas Sparks novel?

I'm not sure I understand. Are you having me on? This is a serious advice column. Michael Bay and Prog Rock are amazing; particularly when combined, such as in my YouTube mashup videos (currently suspended, but I am taking them to court! Fair Use! I've read Lessig!). So, a Nicholas Sparks novel. Romance is an artificial construct, created by women to poison men and curb their natural needs. Nicholas Sparks is at best to be pitied, and worst to be reviled. He's not even like the noble romance authors, like Shakespeare, who wrote romance to keep the chicks digging him, undermining romance the whole while, which is genius and respectable.

Dear Chad,
My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months. Our sex life is ok but she refuses to get on top when we do it. She says she feels really uncomfortable being so exposed. How do I get her comfortable so she can enjoy a good reverse cowgirl?
Abe

Dear Abe,
What is wrong with your girlfriend? Perhaps you should upgrade to a model that wants to, you know, enjoy sex. I mean, really. That's nonsense! If you want to stick with your current chick, explain to her that woman-on-top is almost universally reported to increase satisfaction not to mention orgasm success rate. If she is not convinced at the prospect of more orgasms, it might be a lost cause.

Dear Mr. Sexington,
Say for instance you are with a girl and are having anal sex and you finish inside her ass, and when you pull out she involuntarily farts spraying you with the cum that was just in her ass. How do you avoid this?
Sincerely,
The Blowback Kid

Wait, why do you want to avoid this?

Okay, well I have thought about this long and hard (oh. yes.) and I guess if you're not into that, you should have her eat some pineapple. Yes, I realize you're not tasting it, but the acidity will suppress the gassy-ness and reduce the likelihood she'll fart after sex. Of course, this isn't foolproof, so I recommend:



Hope that keeps you dry (and I hope the hazmat is a new fetish!) and, as always, stay sexy!

--Chad Sexington
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Dodging the Frosty Susan

Today's questions both come to us from my friends at Halforums.

How do you avoid the dreaded sexual mishap known as a Frosty Susan?

For the uninitiated, the Frosty Susan is a 'misfire' incident wherein the overly curious, watching their member, get an eyeful of cum. It's a situation that is hardly unique, especially in the inexperienced, and so in the interests of science, I spent 12 hours popping Viagra and finding various means of avoiding the mishap. Later, I spent some time in the hospital for priapism.

My first plan was a method that could best be called The Neo, (named for a character in a cult classic, The Matrix, perhaps you have seen it?) but it was a bitter failure. Every attempt to lean away from the was met with failure and a salty face. My second method was the more successful guard-hand method of placing my other hand over the tip as I hit climax. This works alright but unfortunately you have to take your hand off the mouse.

I did, prior to my visit to the local emergency ward, solve this problem:

I was talking with some friends and we realized that there are not very many slang terms for vaginal lubrication. We went with lady dew and hoo hoo honey but that was all we got. Why is that and what ARE some good slang terms for it?

makare


Great question! It certainly gave me something to dwell on as I lied in recovery, when I wasn't wooing the nurses.

Let's tackle the why issue first. Some people have this habit of claiming females are more mature than their male counterparts, and don't need to use silly slang terms. Sure enough, men have developed splooge, jizz, baby batter, man chowder, jism, protein shake and so on, while there is a conspicuous lack of terms for female lubrication. I contest the argument, however, that it stems from maturity, and would refer you to my self-published autobiography, Sexiness & Studlyness: Chad Sexington's Secrets to Staying Sexy and Successful (currently out of print) where I discuss at length womankind's inability to be as creative as men. It's pretty clear to anyone who's taken even a cursory psychology course that women don't understand their own sexuality and are unable to investigate it, and this causes a dearth of slang terms within the culture. But! I am more than happy to lend a hand (or more, ladies!) in that department, so without further ado:

Sex nectar
Lady seepage
Joy juice
Pussy dew
Vajayjay sweetness
No, My Better Aunt Flo
Finger-Licking Goodness

Hope that helps spice up your sex talk, as always, stay sexy!

--Chad Sexington
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Welcome to Sexington Secrets!

Hi, everyone!

I imagine many of you are readers from my famous Sexy Sex Secrets with Chad Sexington column, originally published in the Hibberts Gore Tribune, and later picked up by three (3!!) newspapers of similar distribution! Perhaps you were wondering whatever happened to my column and even to myself. Well I assure you, after the heated and heavily-reported fight with the censor-happy, prudish, sex-o-phobic tyrants at the Tribune, I did not go quietly. For the last five years, my nephew has been teaching me about the Internet and I have noticed there is surprising lack of places to go for information on sex. So fear not, I have been inspired to restart my advice column, here, where I cannot be stopped!

Here I will be writing about the very intimate details of that most important of acts, sex. Like my column back in the days of the Tribune, I will be taking letters looking for advice, and answer a few of the best ones each day! On Fridays, the article will be of my own initiative, on something new to try in the bedroom!

Thanks for googling me on the internet, and as always, stay sexy.

--Chad Sexington
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